The person that I wished loved me as much as I loved them was my father. Growing up I always longed for him to love me, accept me and be there for me. He wasn't. He chose to be absent and I couldn't understand why back then. To cope with that rejection, I shut down any love connections with others from extended family members to school buddies. This explains why my circle of friends growing up cycled and fluctuated. My hobbies changed? Get new friends. My class schedule changed? Get new friends. I didn't allow many people to get that close to me out of fear of being hurt the way that my dad hurt me. I never knew how to deal with it. Other kids, my mom and many family members had absentee dads and were strong but I saw my coping skills as being weak. So the more I felt that I my vulnerability was showing, I shut down. The friendship simply fades away and I move on. This continued for awhile until I got hurt deeply by my first b/f because of that darn vulnerable-feeling creeping up again and that eerily familiar longing for affection from a man. Here comes my ex and there goes my free love. Then that hurt rears its ugly head once again.
I am a firm believer that if you have strong relationships with your parents or parental figures growing up it helps you to cope better with love-obstacles than with weak, nonexistent relationships earlier in your life.
Luckily, I was raised with a loving parent. My mom taught me to grow up, learn and move on - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. In time, I took my father's nonexistent love as his immaturity and inability to give me what I deserved and needed. Eventually, I forgave him but he cannot and will not ever receive the love that my old self was eager to give to him so freely. MY LOVE IS NOT FOR FREE ANYMORE!
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