Day 30: Lessons Learned from this Challenge

Last post of this challenge....how monumental is this, huh?? 

This writing exercise proved one thing that I can see these challenges through - dammit I'm determined! LOL

Honestly this only reaffirmed what I already know deep inside - nothing earth shattering...well except for me realizing that my father's absence (well more so his lack of presence) has effected me a bit deeper than I've ever realized. Forgiveness of his actions has happened but me forgetting his transgression is much harder than I want to admit. During this 30-day challenge, he has called me several times to chat about nothing in particular after I reached out weeks prior and I have yet to return his call. Not sure what this means other than me feeling that I will reach back out when I feel like it. Take the time to call him back when it suits me like he did after over two decades of doing his disappearing act. I don't know what it means or it simply means I just don't feel like talking to take on his pain which can be draining. That might sounds selfish but its the truth. Why should I endure your pain after all of these years when you didn't endure my pain when I needed you as any child would?

Ok perhaps this exercise uncovered a layer of my feelings that I've harbored for him or lack thereof. Right now, at this very moment in my life, I honestly don't need "daddy" when for most of my life he has NEVER been there for me at all whether on the phone, through letters or infrequent visits. He disappeared without a trace. It can be forgiven but how can someone FORGET that and go on to pretend that everything's ok when its not? I got more soul searching to do in this area but in the areas of loving myself, loving my best friend as we grow together and loving the family that have supported me in my life's journey I know for certain that I am fortunate.

Day 29: To My Love...

Dear Love,
I am thankful that everything was in alignment to bring us together. You are my best friend. I know my heart shares with yours. I know that guard around my heart is still there but somehow, over the years, you have managed to circumvent my defenses eventually allowing me to give you the key.


I'm proud of how much our love has blossomed through pain, sacrifice, anguish, blessings, joy and happiness. It feels like only yesterday that a chance encounter came to our feet and stepped towards it with welcomed arms. Has it been a decade?! Crazy, isn't it? It feels like a never-ending dream that I wish not to wake up from. At times, I pinch myself to make sure this is all real.


We have built something so undeniably beautiful that it cannot be ignored. Its more than we both intended, expected or wanted but it is something that we both needed!


You excite me in every possible way. I love your voice, your smile, your laugh & your swagger. I love our talks-about-everything. We can start off discussing something normal like what we both ate today and veer into the realm of crazy and end up discussing how we would escape an alien invasion (or something like that). At the end of our conversation, we ask, "how did we get here" and laugh some more after realizing what minuscule topic led us into this insane direction.


We were molded (good & bad) to be each other's confidants. I feel that way about us. We were made to cross paths and to be together as we are now. I think back as you do about the choices that we made individually. If I made this decision or that decision, I would not have been blessed to have met you. Although moments of my past are painful, I don't regret them for one millisecond. The joy that you bring to my life cannot be matched. I love you as you are and the man that you are becoming. You are the ying to my yang. 


Love You, Babe!

Day 28: Love or Sex?

If there was a choice, love will always prevail. Love is more gratifying and rewarding than sex. Sex is an act and nothing more. You can catch feelings of a connection from it but that's most likely one-sided and will cause your heart to break over an act of a few hours (or a few minutes..lol). Is sex worth that heartache? Nope!

I had a "just sex" experience before I met my love (my bestie). I was in a different state of mind. I just had my heart broken by my ex and the LAST thing I wanted was love in my life. I was so vulnerable and didn't have any love to give to myself at times let alone give to anyone else. Plain and simple I was in a "fuck it" mood - fuck love and fuck pain.  So when I came across "what's-his-name" I didn't pay him any mind. He was some dude that crossed my path. He was cute but nobody I wanted to start a love-relationship with. He was a player and desired by many chicks, except me. I had a weak moment - I allowed my urges to take over my better judgment - and I had sex with this guy. It was a moment that to this day I vaguely remember. Don't remember how long the sex was or if I liked it b/c he was doing his thang or that I was horny. I was too intoxicated at the time to tell the difference. Whatever it was, it was over. I walked away satisfied - got what I wanted and that was it. He, the player, wanted to stay in touch and be friends - really, dude?! LOL I wasn't in the mood to get close to him so I shut him down b/c my heart was in the off-mode. Looking back, I was unfair and cold to this dude but I knew that if I let myself feel anything it would have been counterproductive to my healing. Though having meaningless sex with someone you barely knew, hindered the process. I don't regret the experience but I did carry that baggage into my love relationship with my bestie. I didn't want our relationship to be based on sex b/c that isn't a solid foundation for me. Love based on sex is not love...its lust.

I'm thankful that me and my bestie waited after meeting to have sex. We spent our time wisely by getting to know each other setting a friendship foundation that turned into love with sex coming afterwards. It was the most beautiful moment that I can remember to this day.

Day 27: Hot Pursuit

The post today is about if I have been or still am being pursued by a former love. Well no. So there. LOL That was quick and straight to the point, huh?

I actually want to talk about that. Some people get off with being chased or being the chaser then once they have their "prize" they're bored and ready for the next chase. It happened to me many years ago when I was the chaser and the recipient of my affections didn't return them back. He was a player and didn't want to hurt my feelings....yadda yadda. But like all chasers I didn't take no for an answer b/c I was so caught up in the chase. I don't know what it was - maybe it was a talk with a friend or I shook myself into the common sense era - but one day I said "fuck it then". I stopped chasing him. I stopped seeking him out. I just stopped. I do remember that it felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. It felt amazingly good. Once I stopped that's when he started chasing me. Hilarious! It was crazy. I laugh at it now. It was so freakin' childish. The whole concept of pursuing someone when they don't want you is ludicrous. Why put yourself in such an awkward position for someone who doesn't care about you? Who doesn't want to be in your space in the way that you wish to be in theirs? That's sad - the desperation.

I look back and wonder why would I subject myself to that. Then my mind wanders onto the fact that, as a child, I "chased" my father for years b/c I wanted him to love me as I loved him. That longing and urge to be loved back never left me. It was always there and continues to be (a little). I think if you ask the chasers when were they first rejected and by whom and they probably would admit to saying that the rejection was when they were young and by someone very close to them like a parent or sibling. That's my theory about the 'hot pursuit love' (adult) scenario. That would be the only way to explain why an adult would chase someone who doesn't want to be chased.

Day 26: Age Ain't Nuthin But A Number...Or Is It???

This would be my initial reaction if my child came to me and told me that they were in love with someone my age. First off the person of their adoration would be in their late 30's so right off the bat I'm already suspicious of their intentions. Besides being their mentor, teacher or parent, what does a 30-something year-old have in common with someone 20+ years younger than them?!?!

Besides the sexual appetites being the common link between generations, I don't see what else there is to share. My questions that I would pose to my child would be what on earth do you see in this person? What makes you love them? What do you know about them? Where do you see this relationship heading to? These questions are those that I asked myself when I realized that I loved my bestie. Love is so fleeting at times b/c you think that your feelings of love are real as the air that you breathe but in fact the feeling that you feel is nothing more than misdirected lust disguised as "love". You don't know the person and have no clue about them yet you call it love?

Love is all seeing and knowing that in your heart what you feel is real not what your sexual appetite leads you to believe. Its confusing (I know) which is why I would've "go off" on my child b/c love is complicated - more so when you are not mature enough in love relationships. I would ask the questions to make them ponder not to frighten them out of love but to let them know that loe is not something that you idly walk into and it just happens.

On the other hand, I wouldn't be so easy on the adult that my child is in love with. I would definitely go H.A.M. on this person for twisting my child's mind into believing that their love is real when all he/she wants to physical pleasure. I will treat them as if they are guilty of deception and they must prove to me that their feelings are genuine and that they contribute something positive to their lives just for them to even be in my child's life. If you feel that I'm overreacting, so be it. That's my child and I will protect him/her to the day I die from predators. That's what I think of adult who mess with children are. You know that they are vulnerable yet you indulge your disgusting little fantasies of fooling around with kids. That is utterly appalling!

Needless to say, this situation will not be a pretty one b/c I will not stand for a May-December relationship between my child and an adult. Period.

Day 25: What is Love?

My mom showed me the definition of love. She was the first person who taught me what love felt like, looked like and how vital it is to your life. I miss her tremendously b/c the love she gave to me. It's still hard to think of her or speak of her - she was my teacher not just b/c she was my mother but b/c she was my friend. I miss her so much. My love for her is irreplaceable - yet another lesson learned about love which is that its unique for very person. The love that you share with one person is not the same love that you share with another. It cannot be duplicated and shouldn't be.

Day 24: Broken Hearted

Breaking someone's heart is unfathomable to me. I've had my heart broken a few times and I don't EVER want to give that pain to anyone else. Its a cruel thing to do - to intentionally deceive, mask your true heart then destroy the other person's world by revealing that the truth of your love was really a lie.  In cases where you indeed did love them with all your heart then something changed and you were forthcoming at that moment, the heartbreak is still there but the recovery and healing happens sooner than never. The most hurtful thing that someone can do is allow the other person to think that the mutual love still exists and is progressing when clearly it isn't on your part. My thoughts on this is that people should walk along the side of truth in love relationships. The truth will hurt like hell but the revelation to the other person that your feelings for them are different - no longer the potent love that it once was - it will be the best thing that you can do. The truth will set you free from lying and deepening the wound to their heart and yours.

Day 23: Love & Marriage

Do I believe that love and marriage is synonymous? The quick answer is No. You can have a loveless marriage that goes on tragically for years (I've witnessed it and heard from survivors of that madness). On the flip side, you can have an abundance of love without being joined legally in the eyes of the law.

What's a Marriage Without Love?
To be in a partnership with someone is a beautiful thing if you are building together towards the same outcome, the same goal. If you are both out of sync this is where the love goes wrong. If your thoughts, ideas, ambitions about your marriage and your future don't coincide or complement each other in any way then that will be the downfall of your marriage. The choice that very few make if they find their relationship in this quandary is to end it before things escalate to the point of destruction.  Unfortunately, the choice that people make are to ignore the problems that exist in hopes that time will iron those wrinkles out or they stick with the failing union b/c they are too stubborn to let go. Not ending the relationship when the feelings are gone or are progressing onto separate paths not to converge ever again is the worst thing that you can do to yourselves and to your children. You ruin your lives, your hope for finding new love and your ability to trust in love again. If you have children, you only serve to pass on your fate to them for their future. The most healthiest thing that you can do when your marriage is without love is to love yourself more and free your heart from the ties that bind you to that person that you don't love or who doesn't love you in return.

Love for Life
Same-sex couples in New York will be celebrating tomorrow as the law legalizing same-sex marriage is in official effect. Under the law, their unions are respected by the courts-this is a tremendous victory. They will share in the fundamental economic and intrinsic benefits that hetero-couples have enjoyed for centuries. The reason why I bring this up is b/c some of these same-sex couples have been together for as long or longer than most hetero-couples loving one another eternally not joined together by a piece of paper to say that their union is accepted by society. Their union was cemented for years with love. That's how love relationships should be. When you are with someone it shouldn't be contingent upon vows recited on one day and forgotten the next. The love that you have should be based on wanting and needing to be with and have that person in your life for the rest of it.

Day 22: Love Scene (Take One)

The perfect love scene? Hmmm I had to give this some thought...something that reflected my idea of romance. I thought of Hollywood power couple, Will & Jada, instantly. To me, they are the REALEST couple in Hollyweird and the closest comparison to my love relationship. They are equally matched, they fit one another like a glove and are passionate about each other even after all of these years. 

The perfect love scene is one that is not contrived and happens on a whim. I like the idea of "Will" surprising the workaholic "Jada" at her job as she struggles to get her tasks done in a futile effort to rush home to him. She knows how spontaneous he can be so this was definitely a welcomed surprise - and a huge relief. He waits for her to finish up and whisks her away in an SUV. Her curiosity is piqued. Why are we in this truck? Where's the car? Did it get repossessed? Her panic is eased when he gives her a slight head nod signaling for her to chill, calm down letting her know that he's  got this. She settled back and diverting her attention to the signs trying to figure out where her love is taking her. She's a curious Virgo - that's how she's always been. He realizes that his secret plan will be unveiled before its time so he distracts her by caressing her hands then her face and her shoulders. She was done. She needed the massage after a long, crazy week at the office. She gave it and let him work his magic fingers to relieve the tension that crept into her upper back. She wonders why she allows this job to get her all twisted leaving her with nights of insomnia, long work days and very little energy to spare when she's not in the office.

Her mind continues to drift into a euphoric state. He realizes his plan is working. She has no idea where she is going and doesn't care. They finally arrive to the destination, he whispers "We're here...are you ready?". She opens her eyes and realizes that they are at an airport - a small one that's very secluded. She gives him the "what are you up to, Mr Scorpio?" gaze. She trusts him completely so the outcome can only be good but she just gotta be in control and know everything! She darts her attention to every sign and person around them as he escorts her along a path after tipping the driver and thanking him for a timely arrival. They walk through a corridor leading to a small building then through that building into another walkway. They breeze through the airport so quickly that she doesn't have time to take it all in to crack the secret code - where is this man taking me?!

He is laughing hysterically inside because he knows that this is driving her nuts. He knows his woman like the back of his hand. She has this insatiable need to be in the know. He leads her to a waiting area. He asks her to sit while he goes to the customer service counter. She obliges although reluctantly - still wanting to know. As he converses with the agent, she strains to hear the conversation but they are whispering (damn!) so she tries to decipher the announcements in the waiting area but the bad acoustics give her garbled information making it downright difficult for her to figure out what is actually being announced. She gives up - for a second. From the PA system, she hears something about a flight to Hawaii that is departing. He finishes up with the agent and rushes towards her. Her mind starts to whirl. As they rush towards a departure gate, she thinks that she will finally know where they are going and could it be that they are going to Hawaii?! Then she panics. she remembers that they driver didn't unload any luggage so she doesn't have any clothes and neither does he. And she didn't get any vacation time approved so they have to be back home by Sunday. He realizes that her brain is in overdrive mode by her grimace and she's about to go into that critical meltdown any moment.

"Relax" he says calmly. He then asks her if she trusts him. She nods, hesitantly. He doesn't feel assured so he stops them both in their hurried stride and looks deeply into her eyes. Her worries begin to dissipate. She shifts from one foot to the next then nods. Feeling like a champion, he leads her down the another corridor to the plane's door. They board the private jet and are greeted by a flight attendant. The attendant gives him a nod signaling that they are ready to take off when he's ready.

She, still unaware as to where they are heading to, takes a seat in the couch in awe of how luxurious this is then thinks how the heck could they afford this but her inner voice tells her to "trust him" so she lays back smiling. He nestles next to her and secures them both in their seat. Her head falls onto his should as he strokes her head. The plane creeps up to its position on the runway and is ready for take off.


They are definitely ready for what's to come on this journey together....

Day 21: Romantic Destination

Me and my bestie NEED this ahora! I don't have a particular location in mind. I hate to sound sappy but wherever he and I are is a romantic place to be. We are magical together - its hard to explain. We are like two kids without supervision sharing inside jokes, being our true selves, not caring about putting on a "show" just being who we are knowing that there isn't any judgement and laughing until our face hurt.

I think that the one place that would be the ultimate romantic destination would be a place where we are exploring nature. Our most hilarious and quiet times have been us trekking the roads least traveled. We have a blast when we are hiking a nature trail (like we did in the desert of AZ) or strolling up the twists and turns of a park (like we did in Wisconsin). Ahhhhh, sweet memories!

Day 20: Love at a Distance

Today's topic is close to my heart...its about long distance relationships and do I believe in them. Well I'm in one and I do believe in them but its the people that are questionable.

It takes a VERY mature couple to sustain a long distance relationship. Not only do you have to deal with the external influences like friends' chatter leaving you to question the commitment of your significant other but you also have to deal with your overactive imagination. These social networks don't help either - your significant other can't see you or feel you so they only go by what you post or tweet about on the web leaving them to misinterpret what they think you are "really" doing when they are not around.

It's damn hard too when YOU are insecure within your own skin - thinking that you are not worthy enough to keep this person wanting, needing and loving you. That's where the overactive imagination starts to come into play. You have to remember to live on faith that this relationship is stronger than pride, can withstand the external forces and overcome the distance.

Me and my bestie are friends first and lovers second. Our foundation to our friendship is the bond of trust not sex. Its more solid that a quick roll in the bed. Its built on honesty when we don't want to hear the truth and an openness to speak our true feelings with one another.

We've both been hurt many times over so we have baggage - that's another issue to contend with. That past baggage that creeps up every now and then. Its not anyone's fault. It's natural for humans to revert to their painful pasts to prevent a repeat of that same hurt (or worse). As a result of replaying that past emotional roller coaster, you forget that the person that you are with is not the same person that hurt you nor are you the same person that was their victim. You have grown (hopefully) from that experience and you shouldn't allow that past to destroy your future.

I'm not gonna lie to you - my clarity on long distance relationships is a work-in-progress. Our relationship is not perfect. We have our issues and fears but I will have to admit our love is a force to be reckoned with. I have a best friend and lover in him and he has that in me. The distance is an annoyance that we pray will be resolved sooner than later. In he meantime, we focus on continually strengthening our relationship.

Day 19: What Do I Love (the most)?

This is a tough one to answer. I love photography. I love my family. I love my bestie. I love the person that I am and my future self. I love living. I love the space that I'm in at this very moment. But what do I the most is hard to pinpoint. What I love more than all things present in my life depends on the moment that I'm in. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love simply being in the moment the most. That I can tune out the craziness that is life and have the ability to savor life's flavors (hmmm I like the sound of that).

In the past, it was difficult for me to do that - let alone admit it. It took me losing loved ones and losing control of being in control to understand that life is on a continuum and that I need to be able to cope by finding the enjoyment of life and live it - not be consumed by the weight of life's stress.

Day 18: Triangle of Love

Being in the middle of a love affair between two lovers is not a place that I want to be nor have been. Imagine your heart longing to be with another person when you are with a different person. That's torture and a bit selfish on your part. With love, you take risks but you have to make a choice to love one and not the other. To be with one of your two "loves" and pray that it works out. Its immature to have two hearts in purgatory while you either figure it out or choose not to confront the reality - make a choice and free one of those hearts to love again (with someone else)!

Day 17: Young Love

Love comes in all phases of your life. I think that REAL love comes with responsibility and maturity. Maturity isn't about age b/c there are a lot of foolish old people running around as there is a lot of smart young people. I've never been in love as a youngun but then again I wasn't mature enough to handle matters of the heart as well as I am able to to now.

Love is a thing of beauty that doesn't come to fruition or expire with age. Love happens and WE have to be ready for it!

Day 16: Love @ 1st Sight

Eyes lock....Her hair blows ever so gently....His gaze is tight....The music bellows them to come together...

That's how love at first sight is in the movies. In reality, its not like that (lol). It's possible that someone could catch your attention like a hiccup catches each breathe. You stop in your tracks. Your throat closes up making it unbearable for you to utter a coherent word other than "uhhh". That's possible. Has it happened to me? Nope.

Even when I met my bestie, I wasn't tongue-tied and engulfed in his physical. I guess that reflects my inability to get caught up by the sheer external. I'm more enchanted by the internal provocativeness that someone's character and witty personality can bring. I fell in love my bestie's smile, comedic talent to make me bust a gut and his sincerity.

Love @ 1st Sight...yes! with your brain...owwww! ;)

Day 15: Can't Live Without It

To be loved, accepted and cherished is an innate feeling within us. It doesn't matter how much of a loner that a person is or tries to be. One cannot escape that longing feeling - to be loved...oh what a feeling!

The post today is about whether you can live without love. The answer is no. Your soul doesn't sing without love, your heart doesn't strengthen without love and your aura dies each day without that love.

Love is bitter sweet though....it is a beautiful and healthy thing when love is reciprocated and balanced. But love can be treacherous when its deceptive and thus is toxic. It can make you do things outside of your character - making it detrimental to the voice of your soul, deteriorates the strength of your heart and poisons the purity of your aura.

Day 14: A Date to Remember

My bestie is such an awesome dude! I could not have found anyone more sweet, loving, humble and gentle than he is. He has done so many romantic things caring for me when we BOTH had the flu, cuddling with me as I cried myself to sleep after losing my mom, making space for me in his closet before I take it over and trusting me behind the wheel of his car.

The most romantic thing that he has ever done was after a completely exhaustive work week, we spent the weekend at his apartment, one weekend-long date (lol), instead of venturing out to eat and watching flicks, etc. He cooked everything, we channel surfed together watching the craziest films (oldies and unknowns), cuddled, talked about the future and the most sweetest thing was when he drew me a bubble bath. That bath was what I truly needed! He had Sade playing in the background, the candles were lit and I was in a state of euphoria. It was so rememberable. To this day, I can't remember what the craziness was that surrounded me but that was the point, right? ;)

Day 13: UnCONDITIONal

All forms of love come with conditions and terms to be agreed upon amongst those involved. If someone says that their love is without conditions, that is a lie!

Rightfully so there are expectations that people have in those who they trust to hand over the key to their heart. For me, the conditions of my love is simple, honesty. The people that I choose to give my heart to agree to be totally honest with me in all situations even if the true is too unbearable to hear. That's a tall order but its what I deserve and what I give back in return.

I think people get in trouble by putting unrealistic conditions, that they cannot even reach, onto others. That's totally unfair and leaves the recipient of their love at a disadvantage and they eventually give up on trying to (unsuccessfully) fulfill that role. For example, you cannot expect this man to love you with your condition of putting up with your antics of unrelentling demands if you can't return the favor when he asks you to do his household chores after your long workday. What you give and what you receive in love.

I think people need to set conditions for those with whom love is reciprocated but I also think that the conditions should be equitable on both sides!

Day 12: The Zodiac Connection

I wasn't into astrology growing up. To me, all of that was hogwash (yes I said hogwash - no typo..lol). Do people seriously believe in the stars defining who they are, how their day was going to turn out to be and who they were better matched with? The answer is Yes. 

I don't remember when but I do remember showing an interest in horoscopes - after I finished working each day I would read several horoscopes from different sources to see if they were on point or full of "hogwash". In a few cases, I found that to be the truth but in most I saw that some aspects of the horoscopes did happen. While I'm not a diehard fan, I do respect the power that astrology holds. There is some truth to the stars!

Relationships is a different beast and a sista needs all the help she can get..lol My best love match is with my bestie (b/f). I'm on the cusp of the Leo - Virgo and he is a Scorpio. 

Virgo (Woman) - Scorpio (Man) love match is a wonderful combination b/c they "compliment each other, work well together and make quite a perfect union" (Read More). Now the Leo (Woman) - Scorpio (Man) love match results in "possessiveness from both sides, strongly committed to one another, neither are flexible - this serves to a be a rocky, passionate pairing" (Read More).

To say that my relationship with my bestie is intense is not far away from the truth. Yes, we love each other deeply and believe that we are so right for each other but there are times when we get into heated arguments and allow hurtful words to let loose, feelings to be bruised and we lose sight of what is important - our love for one another. These damaging moments don't happen often b/c we allow our individual personalities and our love not what the stars predict to prevail. 

Day 11: Where Is The Love?

This was a tough post to admit it let alone write about.....The post today is about a love that wasn't reciprocated and 'til this day I'm not sure it will geniunely ever be. When I love, I love hard but when I get hurt I put up a wall not allowing that person to ever get close to my heart no matter how much they "changed" or the fact that I forgave them.

The person that I wished loved me as much as I loved them was my father. Growing up I always longed for him to love me, accept me and be there for me. He wasn't. He chose to be absent and I couldn't understand why back then. To cope with that rejection, I shut down any love connections with others from extended family members to school buddies. This explains why my circle of friends growing up cycled and fluctuated. My hobbies changed? Get new friends. My class schedule changed? Get new friends. I didn't allow many people to get that close to me out of fear of being hurt the way that my dad hurt me. I never knew how to deal with it. Other kids, my mom and many family members had absentee dads and were strong but I saw my coping skills as being weak. So the more I felt that I my vulnerability was showing, I shut down. The friendship simply fades away and I move on. This continued for awhile until I got hurt deeply by my first b/f because of that darn vulnerable-feeling creeping up again and that eerily familiar longing for affection from a man. Here comes my ex and there goes my free love. Then that hurt rears its ugly head once again.

I am a firm believer that if you have strong relationships with your parents or parental figures growing up it helps you to cope better with love-obstacles than with weak, nonexistent relationships earlier in your life.

Luckily, I was raised with a loving parent. My mom taught me to grow up, learn and move on - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. In time, I took my father's nonexistent love as his immaturity and inability to give me what I deserved and needed. Eventually, I forgave him but he cannot and will not ever receive the love that my old self was eager to give to him so freely. MY LOVE IS NOT FOR FREE ANYMORE!

Day 10: People I Love

Love letters to the special people in my life...

My Bestie I Heart U

You are my rock and have shown me what friendship looks like. You continue to amaze me with your comedy and thought-provoking words - our talks range from politics to sex to crime to holistic medical treatments and then some. You are love and show me how beautiful love can be. I love your smile, your heart, your chocolate skin....I love YOU!

My VyRO Fam I Heart U

Grammy & Shaun...you are my constant since I can remember. Your continue to bless me with your presence and I love you for that even when words are not being exchanged. Our house is a home when you two are in it. Love you so much! Uncle, you are crazy cool and this is why I love you - yea you drive me crazy but its how our relationship is...that's the way our love goes..ha! Aunties (Lady D and SisTa Denise) - I know why my Mommy loved you both as sisters...I love you both for being my big sisters when I need advice or just an ear to lean on in the absence of my Mommy.

My SisTARS I Heart U

Pam, Caprice, Rach, Contro, N'tirzah, Joy, Kali, Celly, Danielle....You ladies are my sisterhood! I wished for sisters when I was a kid and I've been blessed to have you in my life. Though life takes over and we lose touch at times, when we are together it is magical and as if we have been talking each and every day. I love you my sistars! Mama Sharlene - you are the sister that my mom never had....you remind me so much of her. You are beautiful inside and out, and a crazy kid at heart...love you!!!

My Family - Resting in Peace

Mommy, Auntie Clara and Auntie Wally....Words CANNOT express how much I have been missing you, the talks we've shared and the laughs we've had. A day doesn't go by that I don't think of you. You hold a special place in my heart!! RIP

Day 9: First Love Faces

It was worth the wait! Prior to my first love XXXploration, me and my b/f abstained from sex to focus on building our friendship and not let sex get in the way of that - but who was I kidding?! I was afraid b/c my first sexual encounter (as well as the relationship) sucked and I didn't want this new relationship to be ruined due to my prior relationship baggage.

My first sexual experience was awkward, rushed and not as satisfying as I imagined it to be.  Shit! I blinked and it was done - did we just have sex?!?!! Looking back, I honestly regret having sex before finding true love. and regret is the last thing that I will ever do. I thought I was in love but it was more like a quasi puppy love-lust thing and nothing more.  Sad but true. I was hungry to be loved intimately and he fit that void at the time.

Back to my first love experience, my b/f made me feel soooo comfortable and cherished. He was gentle, kind, patient, loving, nurturing, dirty and freaky. He still is to this day. I love him for giving me an experience that I deserved, wanted and needed. It was incredible. All I can say about the experience is I got a rug burn...yes lawd! That's all that I will reveal....Ha!

Day 8: Two of One Heart

Being in lust with more than one person? Yes. Being in love with more than one person? No.

If you find yourself "torn" between two men or women, you will see yourself loving one of them more than the other. Your heart cannot be equally yoked between two places, people, times or seasons. Your heart ultimately has made that decision of who you are meant to love between the two and its up to you to listen.

Day 7: Love Deeply

Photo Credit: Pjibac Gallery

Today's post topic asks "Have you ever been deeply in love?". My quick answer is yes - I am deeply in love with my bestie (he means the world to me!).

But it begs the question of what is meant by the phrase to be "deeply in love". That, to me, is the most important question. From my experience and becoming more aware of how to love I've realized that to be in deep love with someone outside of yourself is be worthy of their trust with their heart in your hands and them of yours. To handle their emotions, feelings, experiences, baggage, trust, love, honesty with gentle care. And not to dismiss their presence for your own selfish needs but to, at times, put their needs and desires ahead of your own or, at least, to consider them as a factor in your decision process.

This type of love is rare and sometimes doesn't arrive for many. I think we are always in the hot pursuit of the idea of love that we overlook the very meaning of what true love, deep love is. It's the type of love that always leaves you wanting more, drives you completely insane and makes you wonder how on earth did you ever live without it.

Day 6: What Is Love?

To me, true love is defined by who you are. The type of love that receives you and vice versa is based on the qualities that you possess. If you are a loving, generous, nurturing, charismatic, witty and inspirational being then love will swoop down upon you and bless you with that same kind of love tenfold whether its from your loved ones, friends or your partner. I've been fortunate in this regard and for this I am thankful each day that I awake to share my life with those who love me unconditionally (and I them).

Love cannot be duplicated or carbon copied. Its not that secret code or formula that is hacked into submission. Love is unique to your make-up. Love embodies your spirit and, resides within and around you. Love is you and you are love.

Day 5: Cinemantic Love

I'm not a gushy, mushy flick watching type of girl. I prefer the more gratuitious violence in a flick the better sans the contrite-Oscar worthy dialouge and romantic slant.

So my list of romantic cinema favs list is non-existent until last year when I saw Disney's "Princess and the Frog". This is a story that everyone pretty much knows about but what Disney did differently is put a 21st Century spin on it using New Orleans as a backdrop (which I loved!). The "Princess" is Tia a hard-at-work fully functional work-a-holic who's dreams of being a entrepreneur has left her life empty with just herself and her dream. She crossed paths with this ego-driven "Frog" Prince and the rest is history!

The lessons that you walk away with from this movie were that you don't take life's blessings for granted, digging a little deeper within yourself to discover something beautiful and don't judge others by face value. The "romantic" lesson was to realize that love happens when you least expect it and with you you least expect it to me. The love that you have can be with someone you just met or with someone you've known for years.

Day 4: Love Song

This is CRAZY b/c I am a music addick! My music arsenal is huge. I had to have been a songwriter or singer in a former life. As long as I can remember - since I was a kid - I hummed songs that I made up on the spot and the popular topic was love. I sang about her while washing the dishes, cutting grass, doing laundry, doing my homework, etc. It was my release. I didn't want to join the church choir or a singing group. Those vocal acrobatics were for my ears alone.

There were so many songs in my early days that I was hypnotized by but the first love song that I kept in heavy rotation - almost broke the record player - was Anita Baker's "Sweet Love". I was nine or ten I think and didn't have a b/f nor did want one at the time. I was a kid that still played with my dolls, had imaginary friends, etc. I did things that kids did (and supposed to do) - that is drive your momma crazy running around with no adult cares in the world (lol). When my mother bought Anita's debut album into the house, I was curious. First off, who is this mysterious beauty on the cover clutching herself to protect from harm or was it more deeper - to express how in love she was? hmmm. Secondly, what is this love thing that she is talking about - how different is it from all the other talks about it?

I played the title track "Sweet Love" and my ears were in love with the tone of her voice, her lyrical prowess and the music crescendos. It was beautiful! Magical! As she sang, I did the "Anita" sway long before I saw the video. I can see what she was talking about. I imagined myself with that special someone that she was serenading to through this song. This song had power telling that man that you are special, you are wonderful and you are divine. She was speaking the truth about love! Go 'head Anita, preach!!!

Day 3: For Ever, For Always - Recent Love

Love takes all shapes and forms. Love exists internally and externally. Love is about giving, receiving and being. For this post, my recent love is about my passion from within that brings out the best, the most creative me. For years prior, this is a part of me that lies doormat for most of the day - heck most of my life but it was always there. My most recently realized love is the my visual artistry. 

To this day, I'm amazed that I never honed in on this treasured gift much sooner - perhaps I wasn't ready to see it and live it yet. But whatever the reason is for this delayed epiphany, I am so glad I now see it. My recent love came from love when my b/f gave me my first Nikon a couple of years ago. He saw my passion and saw how much happiness photography brought me and loved me enough to give me a better tool to work with. I upgraded my "point and shoot" Canon for something a bit more sophisticated and have been hooked ever since.

There's just something about this photography love that I am still on a journey to define for myself. I'm always learning about this love, experimenting with my craft and embracing the label "photographer".  I'm at a point of uncertainty about this new love. I'm unsure as to where this will lead but I do know that I feel blessed to have found it and am looking forward to the places that it will take me - near and far!!

Day 2: My Bestie

Today's challenge was to talk about my "best love and what they mean/meant to me". Lots of possibilities rumbled through my head on this one. Who do I talk about? My mom as my first bestie or my dude as my love for life? Then I thought...my best love is and will always be......ME!

It took a long time for me to realize that the best love that I have received (more of this later in my life) has been from me. I'm a people pleaser - less now than before (hence the tragedy of my first love experience). I longed to be loved, liked, appreciated, valued and being someone that mattered to someone - I'll dig a little deeper on this a bit later in the month. Anyway, I got to a point somewhere along my life's journey to not care about getting absolution from others but attaining that level of bliss from myself. I will always value others in my life and their opinion but it doesn't define me and how I value my self worth. I do that. I set the bar for who I am as an individual - flaws and all. Love me for the "me" that I am at the moment as I am a work-in-progress.

Like many people you go through this downward spiral of self hatred, perfection seeking and desperate longing to be loved. You forget that the external approval is not as important as accepting and loving who you are unconditionally. This is a huge moment for me to say that I LOVE me as I am. I lived most of my life feeling like I always came up short by being one of the undesirables (not attractive enough, too tall, too skinny, too imperfect, not smart enough, etc.). I was my worst enemy. I destroyed myself without the help of bullies b/c of my low self-esteem. With the fog of negativity, I couldn't see the goodness that resided in me.

Nowadays I see "me" and love her. She is a beautiful woman and strong in her resolve. She is smart, multi-talented and true to who she is (imperfections included). I love her for being my rock! When all else fails whether it be people around her or goals, she will overcome - dust off and proceed. I love this!

For her to come from self deprecating the woman in her at every given moment to, on many occasions, looking herself in the mirror recognizing her beauty (internally and externally), this shows her growth and strength! For that, she is my best friend...best face of love....best love period.

Day 1: First LoveACHE

Wow! This brings me back to a lapse of better judgment in an act of desperation – wanting so bad to know what love felt like that was different from the love that I received from my family.

At this point of my life, I didn't know what it was like to be loved by someone intimately, spiritually and completely for all of my flaws, pluses, minuses, etc. I needed and wanted to experience this. So I did something totally outside of my character and did an online dating service to find my perfect mate. That was wrong step number one. Now, looking back the warning signs were there - my prospective mate chatted online when it suited him, he was always busy and I made the adjustments to best fit his schedule. One day, we finally met and we got physical instantly which was not part of my plan but perhaps his. We didn't go all the way but it was close. I took it slow but he was super-fast. I was so nice, meager and ready to please and on the other hand he was rough, possessive and demanding. I continually tolerated his behavior and allowed myself to be mistreated by him because after all this was supposed to be my first love experience.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to blame my broken heart on this dude. That gives him way too much responsibility and power that he didn’t have over my heart. I allowed myself to be exploited and degraded because I sought to be loved and appreciated so much that I couldn’t see that this relationship was dangerous to my health. I was a bit delusional throughout all of this b/c I clung onto his spurts of gentleman-like behavior not focusing on his overall disrespect towards me. The inevitable failure of this relationship was both of our faults but I take the blame for not ending this bad relationship much sooner.

Fast forward to the present, after some serious soul searching and learning to love myself first, I’ve defined my ideal face of love – someone who is loving unconditionally, nurturing of my growth, caring of my needs/wants/desires, trustworthy, doesn’t take my existence for granted and sees us as a team in the present (and possibly the future).

The 30 Days of Love....

Inspired by a friend's challenge blog posts....I created this blog (hey why not?!) to discuss my perspective of love, loving and being loved. For the next 30 days, I will post a blog on the daily - Stay Tuned!!

Peace & Love