Day 1: First LoveACHE

Wow! This brings me back to a lapse of better judgment in an act of desperation – wanting so bad to know what love felt like that was different from the love that I received from my family.

At this point of my life, I didn't know what it was like to be loved by someone intimately, spiritually and completely for all of my flaws, pluses, minuses, etc. I needed and wanted to experience this. So I did something totally outside of my character and did an online dating service to find my perfect mate. That was wrong step number one. Now, looking back the warning signs were there - my prospective mate chatted online when it suited him, he was always busy and I made the adjustments to best fit his schedule. One day, we finally met and we got physical instantly which was not part of my plan but perhaps his. We didn't go all the way but it was close. I took it slow but he was super-fast. I was so nice, meager and ready to please and on the other hand he was rough, possessive and demanding. I continually tolerated his behavior and allowed myself to be mistreated by him because after all this was supposed to be my first love experience.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to blame my broken heart on this dude. That gives him way too much responsibility and power that he didn’t have over my heart. I allowed myself to be exploited and degraded because I sought to be loved and appreciated so much that I couldn’t see that this relationship was dangerous to my health. I was a bit delusional throughout all of this b/c I clung onto his spurts of gentleman-like behavior not focusing on his overall disrespect towards me. The inevitable failure of this relationship was both of our faults but I take the blame for not ending this bad relationship much sooner.

Fast forward to the present, after some serious soul searching and learning to love myself first, I’ve defined my ideal face of love – someone who is loving unconditionally, nurturing of my growth, caring of my needs/wants/desires, trustworthy, doesn’t take my existence for granted and sees us as a team in the present (and possibly the future).