Last post of this challenge....how monumental is this, huh??
This writing exercise proved one thing that I can see these challenges through - dammit I'm determined! LOL
Honestly this only reaffirmed what I already know deep inside - nothing earth shattering...well except for me realizing that my father's absence (well more so his lack of presence) has effected me a bit deeper than I've ever realized. Forgiveness of his actions has happened but me forgetting his transgression is much harder than I want to admit. During this 30-day challenge, he has called me several times to chat about nothing in particular after I reached out weeks prior and I have yet to return his call. Not sure what this means other than me feeling that I will reach back out when I feel like it. Take the time to call him back when it suits me like he did after over two decades of doing his disappearing act. I don't know what it means or it simply means I just don't feel like talking to take on his pain which can be draining. That might sounds selfish but its the truth. Why should I endure your pain after all of these years when you didn't endure my pain when I needed you as any child would?
Ok perhaps this exercise uncovered a layer of my feelings that I've harbored for him or lack thereof. Right now, at this very moment in my life, I honestly don't need "daddy" when for most of my life he has NEVER been there for me at all whether on the phone, through letters or infrequent visits. He disappeared without a trace. It can be forgiven but how can someone FORGET that and go on to pretend that everything's ok when its not? I got more soul searching to do in this area but in the areas of loving myself, loving my best friend as we grow together and loving the family that have supported me in my life's journey I know for certain that I am fortunate.
No comments:
Post a Comment